Carly Talks is much more than a catchy title.
I have this fear of mediocrity. My whole life I've been told I have potential, which is basically a nice way of saying you're a disappointment. What a shame. So I have these competing beliefs- one, that I'm never going to do or be anything really great and two, that I'm going to settle for good enough.
I started this blog as a way for me to process the emotions and confusing thoughts swirling in my brain. I was in a marriage that made me feel small, silenced, ignored. I worked at a series of jobs where I clashed with my bosses, usually because I genuinely cared about my work and wanted to do better. They didn't like that.
So the stakes are high and I have a unique perspective that I bring to the table. I’ve had to fight my way up from the labels and limitations I’ve put on myself, but also break free from the limitations others have put on me. As a woman, a former addict, alcoholic, in recovery, and diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I’ve had to fight to prove my place in this world, defend my stability and define what stability even means to me. It would be so easy to hide behind these labels, become them, and settle, but I can’t do that. I have to tell my story. Because it’s the only thing I know and it’s the only way I know how to make sense of my world. So what's at stake is that if I don’t do this I will always feel like a part of me never fully developed, hatched from her cocoon, and finally took flight.
See, what I've come to realize through writing out all my thoughts, fears and resentments is that most people are ok with living an ordinary life. The thought of that scares me to death. I've always been terrified that I would wake up one day and realize all the "what ifs" were no longer possible.
Breaking free from the mundane, the status quo feels like freedom to me. Whether I've meant to or not, I cause people to react. Mostly feelings of discomfort and control. My mom telling me my outfit is too much, or I'm wearing too much makeup. My bosses telling me my ideas are stupid or outside of the scope of my job. My teachers telling me I talk too much or ask too many questions. None of these things are actually about me and yet are also a result of being me.
Because when someone asks me how I'm doing I tell them. I don't say I'm fine or whatever canned statement we are supposed to say so they can move on because they don't actually care. Or if I'm hired for a job I dive in head first, absorbing everything I can, asking a million questions, and finding solutions. I do really well for a while. Praised even. I feel on cloud nine. this is the job I love, I'm meant for, and I can see a real future at. But as soon as I start to get comfortable, I need another challenge. But bosses don't like change. They don't want to hear ideas from people who aren't them. They want you to arrive on time, check the boxes of your job description, no deviation, and leave at the end of the day. Teachers want to teach, but not explain. At least my primary years were that way. I loved my college experience because we were allowed to have thoughtful discussions and challenge one another.
I did have one teacher in middle school who told my mom I had a great sense of self. I felt seen. I felt no pressure to conform. Because, really, that's all society is- a system designed to conform us, teach us the rules, and then ostracize those who don't follow them.
People want to control things they don't understand. I've been mostly misunderstood my entire life. I'm like a wild tiger that everyone around me is constantly trying to wrangle. They don't like wild animals, they are too unpredictable.
So my story is that of finding the jungle. Finding my roar, my people, my place. Finding the sky as a newly formed butterfly. Because, at the end of the day, we all have a place where we belong. My belonging is on the other side of fear. The abyss. I've learned that I'm always going to upset someone and make someone uncomfortable. But I no longer have to upset myself. I gave people too much power and allowed their opinions to shape my life. People will always try to control the uncontrollable. Because the rebellion against societal norms is uncomfortable to them. But not to me. It's actually the only thing that feels truly normal. When you stop reacting to other people's reactions to your behavior, they lose their power over you and you become truly free.
Freedom is uncompromising, uncomfortable, uninhibited. It's following our inner knowing, no matter how tiny that voice is. Because when we choose longing over fear, that's when we feel real peace.
Some people might not like my choices, but that's ok. This is my story, not theirs. This is my way of doing something truly great, not good enough.
I was born to communicate. I received the Chatty Cathy Award when I was in sixth grade from my advisor. Everyone was awarded something, and I think mine was a subtle hint that I talked too much. I took it as a compliment. When I was in seventh grade, one of the school counselors came to speak to my World Cultures class. Not sure why that specific class was relevant, but I remember vividly one particular part of the visit. He was talking about something- the topic is irrelevant. What's not irrelevant though, is me with my constant inquisitive mind sitting there having a lot of questions for him. My mom endearingly called me Curious George and Dennis the Mennis when I was a child. Again, compliment.
My whole life I’ve been around adults. You’d think I would have learned a lot from them, you know, from all their years of living? Don't get me wrong, there have been some incredible humans who have forged the way for me to be where I'm at now. But, a constant theme I found during my interactions with adults, as a kid, particularly my teachers, was that they didn't see me. I don't always get it right, but I really want to give everyone the benefit of doubt. I tried to meet my teachers and other adults in my life where they were at, genuinely approaching the conversation with curiosity and wonder, eager to soak up all the adulty things they had to say. Instead, my questions were often met with criticism and dismissal. Time after time, I was told to be quiet, to accept things as they were. These adults had it figured out. I needed to listen and not ask questions, because why would I, a 7 or 12 or 15 year old have any insight or attempt to ask why they believed what they said? I was just a kid. I didn’t have a sense of self. How could I possibly know anything? Or how dare I question their blind faith in whatever knowledge they were spewing? The message I received over and over and over again was that I don’t matter; I don’t have anything to contribute; I am less than. My life has been a constant flow of others questioning me- my intellect, my thoughts, my opinions, and god forbid, my questions.
Now I'm not all-knowing. Obviously. My point is not to prove that. My point is that as a child I really wanted to believe that everyone wanted me to be the best version of myself. That looked like a chatty, inquisitive, often persistent kid. I was annoying, I'm sure of it. But the problem is that I never really felt like the person I wanted to be and the person who was existing matched each other. Adults, whether they meant to or not, really wanted me to be smaller than my larger-than-life self.
It was no different with this school counselor. There was disappointment. "I had so much potential," they would say. I am smart and capable, but I’m not applying myself. Instead, I’m rebelling and disrespecting others. What exactly are these so-called ideologies that I’m rebelling against? Societal norms? Why do so many people just accept mediocrity or black and white thinking because that’s the group consensus? And how dare I poke a hole in it or ask for clarification. Because clarifying their beliefs and convictions would require them to know why they think the way they do. Instead of giving me a bullshit answer or a, "because that’s the way it is", or "because I said so", is not good enough. I want to know more. Why can’t you give me a solid answer? If you didn’t know, and said so, that would be way more respectable than the idea of just blind acceptance. I try not to judge, to not be disappointed, or tell them they are wrong. My brain just moves a million miles an hour- my critical thinking on overdrive. I let my curious mind wander. Why would I apologize? I can’t help if it makes people uncomfortable. It’s not my job to make people comfortable. It’s my job to ask questions, to seek knowledge, to be receptive, My hope is that people are willing to meet me there. But the problem is they often don't want to. I feel questioned, doubted, belittled. Putting me in my so-called place with the others my age, with the other conformists. And I've been a conformist. That's been my identity crisis. But like I said my job, my life purpose, my true calling is to break those barriers, to stand for change, to disrupt. Am I out of control? Yes. Is that a bad thing? No.
So again I bring it back to this counselor. You’d think someone whose whole job is to facilitate conversation, growth, and understanding would be receptive to a kid who is just holding him to those standards. I asked a lot of questions. Maybe too many, but who cares, I was curious. Kids should be curious. I have no idea what those questions were. It doesn’t matter. My point is that he informed me, in front of my peers, that I was derailing the conversation. He was tired of explaining himself. His frustration was visible on his face. Why should he have to answer questions? His whole agenda was to preach without objection. He told me one time, in a counseling session at school, when I was fighting with my friends, that middle school girls are the worst age of people to deal with. They cause the most drama.
So here I am, proving his so-called point. Causing drama. I remember some of my peers rolling their eyes. "There goes Carly again." They probably just wanted to get this talk over with, and I was prolonging that.
He stood up front, wearing his usual tucked-in, button-up shirt that was a little snug around his belly and his terrible slip-on leather shoes, and instructed me to make a list of all of my "what if" questions and bring them to him at a later date. I knew he was just doing that to shut me up, to get the message that my questions were disruptive and unhelpful. He was here to talk and we were there to listen. He probably thought I’d drop it. But what he didn’t realize, what no one realizes, is that I’m unable to drop it. Down to my very core, I need to know. About everything. It's exhausting and exhilarating. “Pick my battles,” they say. Well, that is the most destructive line we can tell someone. Because I am not going to battle, I’m preserving my sense of self; my authenticity; my sacred mind. What that bullshit line really means is pick the right side. Pick the side that conforms, the side that doesn’t need to know anything else. Fuck that. I'm done conforming.
I get it. There's a time and place to be disruptive, but there is also a tremendous amount of harm in telling kids not to be curious and not to ask questions.
So here I am 35 and curious as ever. But I’ve finally reached the point in my life where I’m completely and utterly uncompromising. I’ve had moments of this clarity. The lightning strikes in my brain and the whole world lights up for a second, but the feeling is fleeting. But now the storm may have passed, but I’m on fire. For good. Lighting has a lingering effect when it strikes. Not always, but when it does it takes everything down in its path. Towers/trees/people come crashing down making space for new life. I’m the lightning, I’m the fire, I’m the destruction, and you can’t just put me out. Not anymore. I’m here to burn every mother fucking barrier down that has trapped me, blocked me from living my truest life. I feel like a loner sometimes. It’s excruciating to think you’re a freak, you won’t make it. But I finally feel the exact opposite. I’m alive, I’m awake, I’m unstoppable and I’ve got some things to say.
So here’s my story. Writing is the only way I can objectively create, speak, and tell my story without interruptions. If you choose not to read it, that’s fine. That’s your choice. But like I said, this is my calling. This is not what I want, but need to do. You don’t have to like it, but you sure as hell can’t stop me. I’m not a victim. I’m a warrior. A fucking tiger. I don’t give a shit about your rules. I have my guiding light which is my inner fire. That’s the only rule I need. Follow my heart, follow my calling. Those who want to listen can join me. The more the merrier. This is not an exclusive club. There’s room for everyone. It’s expansive and bright. I'm a seeker. I want to know, grow and change. I refuse to be limited. I will not live a life I think is mediocre. Fear will no longer hold me back. Fear is just a concept anyway. If you feel even the slightest inkling of hope in this, reach out. I want to know you. I want to pick your brain. Love and light are the only things here. We don’t have any room for boxes. There’s no room for limitations. We are limitless. Don’t try to confine me. Either way, I’m gonna escape.
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