Untethered

I’ve been thinking a lot about the idea of sexuality and what it means to me. Sexuality doesn’t have to be gendered or even about sex. When I wear something sexy, I do it because I like the way I look, I feel confident in my body and I want to show it off. If people look at me, I like it. I put all that work into making myself look and feel good, it’s nice to be admired. Some people might think that’s objectifying, but I don’t see it that way. I like to think I’ve still got it.

When people post sexy pictures, we call that a thirst trap. But what does that even mean? They’re looking for validation? They want people to stare? They want to tease people? The idea of quenching the thirst of sexually dehydrated people? I like it. I used to think it was weird when others did it. Now I get it.

Before I was married I was always looking for the “one” to settle down with. I wasn’t desperate, but every man I met or went on a date with I went through my list, checking or unchecking bullshit boxes in my mind. I dressed up and flirted a lot. When I met my husband and we’d been dating a while I remember being comfortable. I loved the idea of going out dancing with friends with no expectations. I could dance and be as wild and crazy as I wanted and I knew at the end of the night I was still going home to someone.

Later when I was talking with a friend about leaving Tom* and about our sex life, she was shocked that I was so normal. I hate using that word, but I was anything but normal before I met him. When I started to contemplate the idea of leaving more seriously, I suddenly had this surge of heightened sexuality again. I remember thinking when Tom and I were together, that maybe I'd outgrown that part of myself. My friend quickly reminded me that I was one of the most sexual people she knew. I had forgotten that part of me. Maybe I didn’t need it at the time, or maybe I was suppressing it because that’s how I settle down and live a stable life, or maybe it was because I never really felt connected to Tom on an emotional level.

With my newfound outlook on life and the possibility of freedom, I started to explore that idea. Not in a wandering eye, but in my own confidence and lack of expectations. I went to a sobriety function in Missoula for the weekend and I was oozing sex. I mean most people are at these things. We found out later that there was an orgy in the bathroom during the dance. I wasn’t surprised. I felt untethered and rebellious and curious and I was embracing this new side of me. I didn’t know anyone else there when I went. I saw a few familiar faces, but no one I knew super well. These are the types of environments I thrive in. Because like when I was in Minneapolis, a month or two prior, I got to be anonymous- duh anonymity- and I got to be the me as I want to be seen. I introduced myself to people, volunteered, went to everything and stayed late. Everywhere I went I felt like I made friends.

Minneapolis was no different. I describe the experience in detail in the post called Invisible Cloak. Minneapolis was the beginning and the end for me. I went there for a Justin Bieber concert to celebrate my friend's 40th birthday. The trip was wild, as is any time I spend with this friend. She has this way of bringing out the best in everyone and then celebrating that. She always makes me feel seen and alive. Everywhere we went, magic happened. Something shifted in me on that trip. Maybe it was having an extended amount of time to really sit in the person I was and always knew was there, or maybe I had finally just had it. Either way, I returned a different person and the entire trajectory of my life shifted as a result.

The night of the dance, at the sobriety function, I wore this ridiculous outfit. My jeans couldn’t have been any tighter and I decided to test out my hot new swimming suit as a top. I had also gone to a catholic ladies’ jewelry sale earlier that day and scored big, so I had an obscene amount of jewelry to choose from. For a rave, which is what they were calling it, I figured I couldn’t go overboard so I loaded up. I went, danced the night away, smoked way too many cigarettes and had one of the best nights I’d had in a long time.

While I was smoking outside, I decided to chat up this cutie I had been eying earlier that day. He was funny and confident, but reserved in a way that made him mysterious. I was wearing my wedding ring still because we hadn’t officially split. As we shared a cigarette and talked about movies and books, he asked me if I was married. I said I was, but probably getting a divorce. I later mentioned wanting to do van life and he asked if he could come.

We ended up talking for much of the rest of the night. The sexual tension was off the charts, but we never crossed the line. It was after that weekend that I realized I’m a catch and I’m capable of connecting intellectually and emotionally with other people of the opposite sex. I found this so attractive and exhilarating. It made the idea of leaving so much more hopeful. I had never felt that with Tom. I loved him, but I was never able to connect with him on a deep emotional or intellectual level. I had had glimpses of it in my life, but it wasn’t until I was in Minneapolis and then again in Missoula that I realized it was in fact not there in my marriage.

The mind has always been the most attractive thing to me about a person, and when someone else is attracted to my mind, I’ve never been so turned on. The guy and I texted quite a bit after Missoula. We used to say we were crushing on each other’s minds- again hot as fuck. I admit I crossed the line with this emotional connection and later Tom read through our messages and was devastated. My intention was never to hurt him. I loved him. I still love him, but I was emotionally empty and desperate for connection and when I started to reclaim myself I became a magnet to others in that way.

I tried to connect with my husband on this level. I tried so hard. I described the deep loneliness I felt in my marriage in a previous blog, and I think that was exactly it. Because for me, the sexiest thing about a person is their ability to use their wits. Banter is one of my favorite forms of foreplay.

I’m a highly sexual being, but I’m also an intellectual. Conversations of all kinds stimulate me. I want to know anything and everything and everyone and everything. That was the one thing missing in my marriage. I have these deep emotional connections with friends, but it’s different when it’s with your partner. I had everything I could have wanted in my life, except that.

I decided to move to Missoula- no not for him- it was actually by fate that my old friend called me and offered me a free place to live. With no plan and very little stuff, I quit my job as an office manager- a job I’d been slowly dying at, and hit the road. As I drove out of town, this heavy weight felt like it lifted itself off of me and I was finally free.

I didn’t have to answer to anyone or anything. I worked as a nanny so I could make my own hours and not feel confined to another job that suffocated me. I knew I needed money, but I wasn’t desperate enough to compromise my newfound freedom. My one goal when I moved, was to honor my time and myself, and to use my time to write and decide where I wanted this life to take me. I had never actually done that before.

After a few weeks of living in Missoula, I decided to get on Tinder and Bumble. At that point I just wanted to fuck someone. I had no intention of dating anyone. I just wanted to get banged and feel the freedom of choice and my own sexuality again.

Within a couple of hours I was flooded with messages. Similarly, when I was in Missoula just a month or two prior, I had this surge of excitement around the idea of possibility. I had my choice of anyone I wanted, or all of them. I always started my messages with something witty and tried to weed out the ones who couldn’t keep up. I had the time of my life during these exchanges.

Both football and baseball seasons were in full swing and those are two things I take very seriously. I made a point of posting a picture of me in a Mariner’s jersey and prefaced how much I like sports. I think a lot of guys were taken aback with my forwardness and self-confidence. I think they also couldn’t believe they were talking about sports with a girl! Most guys don’t take women seriously when it comes to sports and when we actually know the game well enough to have a lengthy and engaging conversation about it, I’ve found that guys go wild.

Most of my dates consisted of watching baseball and football. I realized most guys don’t actually like watching an entire baseball game, but most wanted to get in my pants or enjoyed the conversation so they stayed, and I took advantage of it.

I had a date every night and I was thriving. I would log on to the apps to see what seemed like hundreds of messages and pick the one I wanted to join me for a game. It was amazing.

Unlike before I met Tom, when I would go out and keep in the back of mind the hope that maybe I would connect with someone, I had zero expectations now. And I was always up front with my communication. I was getting a divorced, I didn’t know how long I was going to be in Missoula, and had no intention of dating anyone seriously. I realized almost no one on Tinder actually wants a girlfriend.

It was incredible. I would go on a date just for fun. Just being me, asking questions, poking fun of them, laughing and being totally present. Being in this state gave me so much power because they knew I didn’t want or need anything from them. I think they felt like they could breathe too. I connected with several people and plan to write a post specifically about all my dates- I told them in advance that I was dating strictly for writing content.

Others I would hang out with once and feel no need to call them back or even give them a reason. Why would I? I don’t owe them anything just like they don’t owe me anything. By agreeing to a date we weren’t binding each other to a contract that required us to stay in contact even if the chemistry was off. That’s stupid. I realized this happens all the time, and I’m just as guilty of it as the next person.

At first when I was casually dating, I was stoked, but then the reality of societal norms started to seep into my brain. I would tell my therapist about all my escapades and she would remind me that I am exactly where I need to be and that it sounded like I was thriving and healthy. I would have moments where I would ask my roommate if I was being too slutty and she would respond with a hard no. I’m allowed to do whatever I want. I’m single and don’t owe anyone anything.

Communication is super important in these situations though, because when you are dating multiple people, it’s necessary to be upfront and honest about it. I would joke with guys about how I was having a blast and meeting lots of people, or about how hard it was to keep up with all the DMs. But in all seriousness I wanted to be frank with them about my lack of interest in anything serious and be candid in the fact that I was going on other dates.

Most guys admired this. Some were turned off, and that was fine, I had too many to deal with if they did care about it. Total transparency was amazing and so freeing.

It’s crazy what magic can happen when a person is uninhibited and confident in their sexuality.

I started taking more photos of myself. I’m not one to send dirty pictures, but as I started to feel sexy again I decided I wanted to take more pictures of myself. I now take a sexy selfie in my underwear several times a week. I do it because I’ve got a banging body and I want to admire it for myself. I’ve also realized I have a great ass. I never knew guys could be so obsessed with it. I never thought of myself as a woman with a great ass, but I’m here to report that men apparently are crazy about it.

The one part about me I was always self-conscious of was my ass and my upper thighs. I thought they were too lumpy or not enough. I thought my ass was too long and flat. As I’ve started to fill out a bit more I gained weight in that area. I was always mortified when I would gain weight because it always went to that part of my body, and, in my mind, not in the good “Kardashian” way everyone thinks is sexy. Through my experience exploring my sexuality and loving my body more, I’ve opened myself up more to be loved more by others. I was even self-conscious with Tom for years. But, not giving a fuck what people thought of me and just being my quirky, confident self, allowed me to see what everyone else saw. I’m gorgeous just the way I am. Guys ate it up, literally and figuratively. My sexy selfies always focus on my ass because it’s now my favorite part of my body.

Another magical thing that happened, that I was not expecting- I met someone.

About a month or so into my Tindering, I started talking with this guy who, by his photos, made me a little more interested than I wanted to be. I sent him some snarky thing and it took him a while to respond. I brushed it off and kept talking to other people. But then he started chatting with me and all of a sudden we had this great conversation going and I really wanted to meet him. I had this idea of who he was in my head, but was surprised by who I actually met.

Our first date was nothing special. I went to his house wearing yoga pants and brought a bag full of candy. His house was dark, I learned later he doesn’t like bright or direct lights. I’ve learned to appreciate this and I don’t either now. We sat in the dark, him on this stationary bike and me on the couch. We just talked. No expectations, no pressure.

I wrote a whole post about how I met Chase and I’m sure there will be many more, but I’ll end it this- when we let go of all expectations and believe we are good, deserve good and have everything good, the universe delivers. I didn’t know I needed or wanted Chase, but after meeting him I didn’t want anyone else.

The outfit I wore to the sobriety rave. Doesn't my ass look amazing?

*I changed my husband's name, as a courtesy to keep him anonymous.