I can do hard things and so can you.
Seeking Truth- that seems to be the message that the Universe is hammering into my head as of late. While reading my tarot cards recently I was curious about the conflicting messages the cards were saying. The first three cards I pulled- 10 of Cups, 3 of Wands, and Judgement at first suggested that my vision for the future, my energy right now, and my willingness to forgive and be set free were not only magnetic to others, but the power behind them is the fuel and the vision that’s guiding me. It was clear as day- don’t doubt this power.
But the Judgement card has more to it than just the idea of forgiveness. It suggests, or more demands that my quest for truth- the revelation of that truth, the very process of unveiling the truth itself is through forgiveness both of myself and others while also allowing myself to be open to whatever that revelation might be, even if it requires deep acceptance of what I’m not ready to hear.
I wanted to know more. I pulled more cards. The message continued to be pretty black and white despite my resistance to its consistency. I wanted a direct answer, and I got one, but it wasn’t until after I finished the reading that the truth began to reveal itself.
I’m a word person, this should be pretty obvious by now. Oftentimes when I read my cards I underline words that come up that feel important. I make mental note of what they are so I can return to them for guidance when the reading feels unclear. Despite my underlining, the followup is very rare. Not because I move on without knowing, but because I usually get the message loud and clear once I step back and look at the bigger picture of what the spread is saying.
This time I needed more answers though. Maybe because, in light of recent events, the truth isn’t very appealing to me. Maybe there’s some part of me that hopes for a different outcome if I just dig deeper. Confirmation bias per se. I want to validate what I wish to be true rather than accept that the Universe doesn’t tailor its message just because I don’t like the facts presented.
I can't base my feelings on what I hope is true, I have to believe the information I have and act accordingly. Wishing and hoping only harm me in the long run and keep me farther away from the surrender the Judgement card calls me to do.
Because that’s what truth is. It’s the facts revealing themselves. Upon further digging, I expanded my search for the definitions of truth and facts. These lead to more digging, or excavating as one definition said. Truth is fact, finding truth is through the process of revelation, and revelation can either be shown through excavating or exposure.
So I explored the difference. Excavating in literal terms is the act of digging, but it’s also the method of revealing the truth. Of bringing to light what was previously hidden or kept secret.
Today I pulled the Apocolypsis archetype card. This card represents lifting the veil of deception. It reveals the truth in a painful way. It requires suffering, even if the truth is a relief. It's through the suffering that the regeneration can begin. It equates it to a forest fire. The immediate effects can be devastating, but when the dust and smoke settle, new growth can start to take place.
So excavating the truth is done by doing the work, by digging beneath the surface and facing it dead on. Exposure can be voluntary or involuntary. If I excavate the truth I’m allowing it to naturally expose itself, but if I refuse and close my eyes to the revelation as it’s happening- as the 9 of Swords warned when it came up twice in my reading that day- I open myself up to exposure despite my best efforts. By my decision to keep it hidden because- look, nothing to see here- I leave myself in a place of vulnerability and the Universe is then required to take action. It deprives me of any protection from the truth, opening me up to the warning the Judgement card presents. If I'm not exposed to the truth I continue to perpetuate my delusion that I’m the victim.
I’m not the victim. A victim requires another person to be at fault. Being a victim in the broader sense is a falsehood. It’s a narrative not based in fact that’s fueled by fear and self-pity.
Now the word victim is also a very real thing. There are victims of heinous acts all the time, but that’s not what I’m talking about here. My Tower moment has arrived and my foundation of perceived stability rooted in delusion is no longer solid. Similarly to the destruction of forest fires, towers must crumble in order to make room for new growth.
I conveniently pulled both the Storm and the Faultline cards recently too. The Storm presents a dilemma, we can fight it, but we will lose, or we can take shelter and wait it out. But what's curious is that it says the Storm is the result of precarious conditions, not the cause of them. The Faultline is the precarious conditions embodied as an archetype. It's the thing that cracks. But it needs to crack because the pressure has been building and without the cracks it might just explode. The beauty in the Faultline, similar to the Apocalypsis is represented in Japanese pottery called Kintsugi. The Japanese fill cracked pottery with gold, taking something that otherwise was useless or broken and making it into something new and beautiful. I really hope my gold is coming soon.
Now let’s go back to exposure. Sometimes exposure can mean being subjected to something that’s toxic. The word venom has been showing up over and over again in my cards too. I pulled it again today. But venom is tricky. It seeps, it often takes its sweet time as it infects its victim. Much like the faultlines, the venom doesn't take effect overnight. Venom as an archetype, doesn’t clarify itself immediately as most of the other cards do. It returns again and again until I’m finally infected enough to realize I’m poisoned.
But where the Venom can be used as a tool is that its damaging effects demand an antidote. So I return to my original point, the truth has made its venomous way into my veins. It seeks to do so. Through the pain and anguish, also shown in my cards- looking at you 9 of Swords again and 10 of Wands and all the others mentioned above- I’m forced to face the facts. That no amount of excavating will reveal anything other than the path towards total freedom- also promised by the presence of the Judgement card.
So my options are to continue in this perpetual cycle of doubt and denial, slowly taking over until I finally surrender, or face it, and the Hanged Man would agree, and allow the new perspective to teach me something. That’s the only hope of relief I’ve got.
Now you’re probably reading this and wondering what the hell this all means. Is my cryptic writing actually that cryptic or is it me dumping my brain onto the page as I sort out what’s true and what’s not?
I think it’s the latter. I experienced unrequited love- yes this card also showed up the other day to my dismay- closing out the reading with unmistakable certainty. All of my writing recently has been about love. About falling in love and about the devastating effects of not being loved back.
But what if that wasn’t the point? What if the point was to bring me back to why I started in the first place? To take back my power and my voice and speak my truth with clarity and precision. The content isn’t less relevant. The inspiration behind it was not because of the act of love itself. The love itself was the push over the cliff into the freefall that explores itself on all the pages of my blog.
I’ve continued to feel deep grief and anger at the seemingly lost future with Chase. Despite the harshest words he used to presumably hurt me, I still find peace in knowing I loved him anyway. I see him. I see past the sharp words. I see the real him behind the hardened outer shell. But despite the grief that often consumes me, I have deep surrender for the fact that maybe his words are his truth. I can’t erase the past, all I can do is act towards my future. Not ours, mine.
So truth, similarly to grief, when revealed triggers a cycle of emotions. Often we are angry that we didn’t see it all along, or maybe we did and wanted it to be different. Try as we might it never changes. Because truth doesn’t change. It may reveal more depth, but it never deviates from what it is. Our truth and others’ truths may contradict each other, but it doesn’t mean either is any less valid or true. We only have our experiences. We only have the information presented to us. We may not have all the facts, but when we do, we can’t deny the truth. So yes two truths can occur simultaneously and our job is to be observant and objective, to do the work as seekers so we can use it as a tool for ultimate freedom.
Now before you say I'm contradicting myself by saying two truths can contradict each other while simultaneously being true, let me explain myself. My truth is I fell in love, his truth is he did not, my words were true about the grief I felt in knowing his truth, and the truth he told me about my writing of those words, cut me like a knife, but they were also true.
We all have feelings, we all get opinions, and we all have unique experiences that are true to us. These things are true. No one else gets to say our experiences aren't real. They are. But it's what we do in those experiences that matters. The freedom the Judgement card promises us is from doing the work, from rising above the pettiness and victim mentality to be reborn. We set fire to the forest, or someone else does, and we let the new growth begin. It's in the moments of darkness where we get to find our light.
Because freedom is the absence of the grip that fear and falsehoods have on us. It’s leaning into the darkness or the light no matter what. When we let go of our expectations, we are no longer tied to the outcome. We no longer allow others to infect us, because we have the antidote. We may not like the outcome, but if we let go of trying to force anything other than what is supposed to be, we allow ourselves to have peace in knowing we don't have to keep fighting.
Sometimes the best closure we can have is to accept that we may never have all the answers we want and the answers we get we have to be ok with. I can be hurt, I can grieve, I can be angry, but my relief from all of it is learning how to not interfere with other people's actions. I can't change anyone's mind, but I also don't have to explain myself to them either. When I try to convince someone or get them to understand why I'm upset, I make myself the victim because I put myself in a position to need their validation, or apology, or changed behavior to move on. But I'm learning it's ok if I never get any of those things. And it's ok for me to accept that the truest thing sometimes is just understanding that.
Storms are powerful and relentless, but we are stronger. As we weather the storms we find our strength to persevere. We become resilient to all the bumps and bruises and messiness. Because life is not void of messiness. It's in the messiness, in the storms that we are able to appreciate the rainbows on the other side. Because if life was all rainbows, the light and color would lack meaning. It's the path through the darkness that allows us to appreciate the joy and wonder that present themselves after the storm.
Writing and tarot have been the two most valuable tools that helped me weather the storms. Tarot allows me to ask the tough questions and writing helps me answer them on the page. Together they become my superpower that enables me to seek the truth no matter what. I've found solace in the fact that my life has been a bumpier ride than I ever thought possible, but it's also been the most rewarding.
As I continue to embark on my solo journey, both physically and metaphorically, I'm preparing for all the storms ahead. I have a lot of fear. This week it's been all-consuming as I finally drove away from the comfort of the only home I've ever known. As I was leaving Montana my heart felt heavy. The vastness of what is ahead is daunting, but that's the point of all of this. I'm making my own home base. My journey inward is found by traveling forward.
So the truest thing I know right now is I'm scared shitless but I know I can do it and I'm doing it anyway.
*Photo taken in Glacier National Park on the Highline Trail.
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