*Chase changed the game for me. And it was a slow burn. The first night we met, I brought candy over and we very casually sat in the living room and talked. At first, he sat on this stationary bike while I sat on the couch. He peddled while we talked. He was non-threatening, and I could tell that even though our first date was at his house, he didn’t expect to fuck me.
We talked about everything from our families and our interests, to his job on the Yellowstone TV show. I found him fascinating. I wanted to pick his brain on every level. He had this mystery to him that was intriguing, he didn’t want or expect anything from me. He was just in his own world, and for a minute, letting me in.
He had this way about him. He was dark and intense, almost hardened on the outside. Tattoos covered his body, and the stories he told me led me to believe he had had a hard life. Yet, underneath there was this compassion and softness to him. He wasn’t hardened at all. Just private. He was protecting himself from getting hurt. Hurt seemed to be all he knew. So much loss and pain. Maybe that’s why he was unattached. Not wanting or needing anything. Just being. Being where he was.
I think that’s why he chose the career path he did. He lived the nomad life, always packing up and going from one place to the next. I admired him. The world was his oyster. He embodied the life I wanted to live. Yet, despite the VIP status of his job working in the movies and making his way up the ladder of importance, he maintained his humility, unimpressed by fame and status. He didn’t have fame or status, but that world surrounded him. He never even watches the films he works on. He doesn't need to. He just moves on to the next project. It was mesmerizing.
I wanted to know everything about him. I wanted nothing more than to be there with him and just be and I allowed myself to do just that. Be. And that was a novel concept for me, but, with him, it was easy.
For the short time he was in Montana, we would spend almost every day together, talking, sharing ice cream and candy. The hours would fly by yet stand still. I wanted to cook for him and do things for him, not to impress him, and not to try to win him over, but because there was something in me that felt inspired, compassionate, connected. It came naturally. The way I always wanted it to be with Tom*. Caring, taking care of, and giving myself wholly. Yet despite my efforts, James never took it for granted. He continued to never expect. Which made me want to give more. In return, he slowly opened up. He slowly showed me that vulnerable part of him I knew was there. In a matter of days, I felt home, I felt safe, I felt wanted. We both selflessly took care of each other, while simultaneously living fearlessly independent lives. It was easy, it was natural, and it was as if he was the person I was always supposed to meet.
Then out of nowhere, he got called to go to Texas and things became real. Time had stopped for that week and what we were both building, unknowingly and surprisingly with each other, all of a sudden was staring us in the face. I think we both realized it. Without really defining it, we were talking as if our love story was just beginning. What felt so natural was, but then it was real. Was this love? Did these two independent people with no desire for attachment or commitment, all of a sudden feel like breaking the rules? It appeared that way.
The last night we spent together lasted a lifetime, yet was gone in a blink of an eye. He left me with parts of him on the clothing he gave me. I clung on to his smell as I wore his sweatshirt. I was genuinely sad. I left his place that night leaving behind a part of me that I would never get back. It felt like the beginning and the end. I was immobilized. I couldn’t breathe. I sat in my car for a second, before turning it on, and cried. Like really cried.
We had never really defined anything. I wasn’t going to tell him to stay. I wasn’t going to tell him to take me or to be my boyfriend. I wasn’t going to make plans like someone who all of a sudden felt this deep sense of longing to define what we were. Instead, I tried to meet him where he was at, playing it cool. Being there. Being. Letting him go, knowing that one day we may meet again, but until then we will both still have our memories.
That was a mistake. I felt the pain of heartbreak. Not the way that I felt when X ghosted me. Not this intense sense of desire and lust. I felt something I’d never felt, unable to define it. Like a part of me was missing. In limbo. All of a sudden Missoula felt like it no longer served me. I tried to be cool. He said he hoped we remained friends and joked about my dating life. I went on a few dates and hooked up with a couple of people, but nothing was fun anymore. Tinder had started as a way for me to feel desired, to reclaim my femininity, to get back in touch with the part of me that was so sexually charged. And it was just that, until it wasn’t.
No one was Chase. He had me. He had done something to me and I wasn’t sure what to do with it. But not in an obsessive way, I wasn’t pining after him, I wasn’t desperately trying to text or get a hold of him, or was sad if he didn’t text me right back. But I felt uncertain and yet certain at the same time. And I was definitely heartbroken.
His lack of attachment and casualness to how we left it, and how he continued to talk to me, made me feel distant. But then he would give me these moments of joy. He would tell me he missed me or that he thought about me. I did too. I always met him where he was at, not trying to be too vulnerable because I didn’t want to push him away. I had to be realistic. Again, playing it cool. Until next time right? There’s always Hawaii. Not meet me in St. Louis. Meet me in Hawaii. Kind of a see you there.
Our love story doesn’t stop here though. There are many chapters still to tell. Some have been written, others have yet to unfold. All are beautiful. He didn't even tell me his real name at first. Or his last name. Spoiler Alert- he told me eventually.
We still aren’t physically in the same location, but I did go visit him. More on that later. I know now that we were destined to meet and be in each other’s lives. More will be revealed.
*Florida, November 2022
*I changed both Chase's and my husband's names, as a courtesy to keep them anonymous.
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