When I turned 35 last summer, I wanted to have my birth chart read so I found this woman in Bozeman and met with her. I don’t remember a ton of what we discussed, but what I do remember is her telling me I should buy a van and go travel. My immediate response was: But I need a home base.
I have carried what she said every day since. Why don’t YOU be your own home base?
Since I'm a word person I did a quick Google search for the definition of home base. I do this often, especially with my tarot practice. I know what the phrases or words mean, but I'm rarely prepared for how the interweb is about to enlighten me.
I never settle for the first definition, I always gather all the descriptions to give me a bigger picture. Most of them were the same- a place where you hit the ball in baseball and the place where someone or something usually lives and feels comfortable. What I was not expecting was six or so sites down- The place someone returns to in order to rest, learn new things or exchange information.
Rest. Learn new things. Exchange information. What a concept! Nothing about a structure or dwelling, no descriptors that reference has to be, just rest, curiosity, hunger for knowledge, critical thinking, and information processing. The idea of exchanging information really piqued my interest. What does it look like when one exchanges information? The idea of exchange makes me think of switching hands, which, in itself is not a stable word, there's a movement to it. Home is not always familiar. We associate home with family, but that's not the only or even requirement of a home. Familiar is comfortable, it's stable; it's what we know. But when we have a hunger for knowledge or are open to change, we are in collision with the very idea of familiarity.
I was at a meeting recently with my friend and she was handing out dollar bills to the youngins (me) for the basket. I made a joke about how my mom used to do this with us when we would go to church. We laughed and she said something like “Go buy a candy bar.” It jogged a memory so I told her about how, when my sister Katie and I were little, our mom used to give us a dollar and we would rollerblade down to this tiny convenience store and buy two full-size candy bars each.
Then the next night, Katie texted me, out of the blue, asking if I remembered Louie’s. She texted, “Two candy bars for a dollar!” I immediately FaceTimed her. Katie and I are like that. We often have similar thoughts or experiences within days of each other. Almost like twin telepathy, only we aren’t twins. Katie was supposed to be a twin, but my mom ended up losing the baby. She told us the story and said when the doctor checked on Katie, she was happy as a clam, just sucking her thumb. Sometimes I think the reason why that happened was that Katie and I were always supposed to be the twins.
We couldn’t be more different, yet we are so similar when it comes to humor and our ability to connect with each other. Our differences can be trying, but, we’ve learned to fight and therefore we always come out on the other side with understanding for the other person.
I was telling her that night that everyone fights, but couples that succeed are the ones who learn how to fight with each other. Because relationships are never void of fighting, but it’s how you fight that makes or breaks a relationship. She laughed and said we were like an old married couple.
What started as a conversation about our most sacred ritual as kids, ended with a poignant discussion about life and the choices we make, and how we find freedom and happiness in those choices.
That’s always how it goes for us. One of us calls the other with a funny story, usually about our childhood, or something only the other person might find funny, from there it weaves in and out of a stream of consciousness until we find real insight into deep topics about ourselves. Katie and I have this uncanny ability to talk for hours. This particular one only clocked in at 1:08 but was still just as meaningful.
After rambling through our candy choices- mine was always Midnight Milky Way and some sort of cinnamon thing, hers was Twix and Starburst or some variation of Reeses- and the freedom we felt being able to take off from home on skates, as unaccompanied minors for a few moments, and rich too (a whole dollar), Katie asked me how my living situation was going.
I told her I was going to have to move, yet again, and I had put it out there to friends, asking if anyone had a place for cheap or a room I could stay at for free. I immediately found a place. A friend, whom I met in recovery, offered me her spare bedroom for free and for as long as I wanted it. I was so grateful.
See, I’ve been doing this gratitude practice for a week now. I’ve always been one to make gratitude lists, but I’ve never gone so in-depth, quite like this. I started reading this book called The Magic. It’s a 28-day guide through gratitude to bring more abundance into your life. The whole idea is basically the more gratitude you have, the more you actually have. I’ve really tried to incorporate this idea into every part of my day for the last seven days. As a result, literally magic has happened. I found a place to live, I’ve received more money, I’ve been asked to do things that have brought more money, I’ve made new friends, I’ve connected deeper with people I love, and I’ve had a more joyful experience at work. In. seven. Fucking. Days. That’s it.
So my point of that tangent was to show you where I’m coming from when I was telling Katie how grateful I was that I found this place. Her reaction was, “Is it safe? How well do you know this woman?” Then she asked how I was doing financially. Were things ok? What’s my long-term plan?
I know this came from a place of love, and I know she is only asking me because she worries about me. And I love my sister so much, but just as much as I think we have the same twin brain, I also think there’s no way we could have come from the same womb.
Katie thinks of everything from a place of sense. What’s sensible, what’s realistic, what is the most stable course of action? My mom is the same way. This is the biggest reason my mom and I fight so much. But the difference with Katie is we have learned how to fight. I started defending my decision and the things I was doing for money and telling her what was happening in my life from my gratitude practice, she immediately noticed my defensiveness. She commented on it, and, I too, realized I was defending my life. But not because I was defensive, but because I needed to show her that I was making choices I felt good about and I was ok.
That wasn’t comforting, because she then said she just cared about me and worried about my stability. Maybe not exactly like that but something to the effect. I listened, but at that moment realized how far I’ve come in my rewiring, or as Glennon Doyle would call it, my untaming. I was able to hear her and listen and know that her concerns were hers and they were valid. But what I now know is that those are hers. Not mine. I don’t have to change my behavior or thinking for anyone. Ever. And I get to do that and still love her and accept her love in return. I’m learning the language of my voice and finding ways to use it that aren’t harmful or defensive, and I was able to do that in this situation. Because remember, Katie and I can fight well.
I am truly grateful beyond words for the relationship I have with my sister. I can’t even believe we can come from a place of such polar opposites, and find the middle and sit there together. After she spoke, I took a deep breath and said I love you, I know you care about me and are worried about me, and I’m going to say this only with love. I hear you and I know what you’re saying, but when I hear the word stability, I shut down, because I think that word is so toxic. I told her my whole life I’d been chasing stability through my marriage and my partners and the relationships I had with my family because everyone always saved me and I always wanted to be saved. I never thought I could do anything on my own, that I wasn’t stable enough to do so. But what happened was it cost me the stability of my mind. I told her, that maybe I’m listening to too many podcasts about women rebelling against the systems our society has created to hold us back and make us act like nice ladies, but I’m unable to allow those ideals to penetrate my mind, and I certainly don’t act on them anymore.
As a result, I left my marriage, I left my job, I left my home, and everything I knew. But what I found was within- total liberation, freedom, and stability. I live within my means, I don’t want, I have a rich life and, yes, I don’t have all the answers, and I know it’s scary, but I’m clear-headed, and I know where the light is and it’s guiding me. I’m no longer guided by the patriarchal idea of stability. I know I can’t live frivolously, get divorced, and never have a job again. I know I will have to make plans. But for now, I’m following my heart and showing up where I’m needed and walking through the doors as they open. As a result, my life has become magic.
True freedom and stability lay in the idea of not wanting or needing, but loving who you are, and not just where you are at. Once we understand who we are and we start loving ourselves, by choosing ourselves, the external voices dim and our internal fire grows ablaze and begins guiding the way. As Katie said, I’m no dummy, and neither is anyone else. What we lack is the power to know our own worth and the courage to fight for it. Gratitude and love are not staying where we are. We can stay and there’s nothing wrong with that, but when we love ourselves and we recognize that where we are at is not aligned with that, then going is the only way through. Because wanting to leave what we know and are comfortable with is not from lack, it’s actually from wholeness. When we step into our truest selves we don’t need anything anymore because we are the ones who know the way, and even more so, know we are going to be ok.
I fucking love Katie so much, because her response, to my thoughts on stability, was so honest and loving. She recognized her own way of thinking and how different it was from mine, and she understood that I was not trying to put her down or disconfirm any of the choices she’d made either. She knows that I know what to do and that I’m going to be ok, and she sees that in my mental health and emotional stability. What a validating thing. Katie and I are as different as our candy choices, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I don’t always feel emotionally stable, in fact, I often feel consumed with anxiety. But what’s remarkable is that the feelings are fleeting and there has yet to be one instance of deep depression or mania since I left Helena. That’s incredible. I didn’t realize how bad it was until I had been in Missoula for a couple of weeks and realized I hadn’t felt anxious since the day I left. Prior to my departure, I was living in a perpetual state of fight or flight, clinging to life and grasping at straws. It wasn’t until I physically removed myself from my environment that I was able to see the beauty of just being me. No expectations, no restrictions, no one to have a say in the decisions I made, just me.
My longing, my needing to leave Helena was driven by my desire to grow and explore the wild unknown. Have I failed? Yes. But have I changed? Also yes. I've exchanged my compliant self for something new. Is that person unfamiliar? No. I've known her all along, I just needed to return to her and rest in her so that I could truly embrace what she could be.
So I’m here to report that since July 2022 I’ve lived in five different places, none of which were my own, and I’ve never felt more at home.
*Who knows how long ago this was taken, I've cut and grown my hair out a million times since this was taken. This is me at the LACMA in LA, one of the most magical places I've ever been.
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